“hi, whats up, your cute lets have sex, your cute lets hookup, your sexy wanna hang out ”
To easily rise above this low level, low energy, low effort mentality – push yourself in other areas of your life, in health , physical fitness , spiritual awakening, and remove vices, then attraction is the end result.
But OP (original poster) your title is clickbait waaahhhh!
Yes it is… I’m glad you noticed that you woke prince – but have you noticed that only 5% of men are at the gym each day? doing daily meditation? Not consuming alcohol each day? Not masturbating ? What kind of sexual energy , sexual power do you think you would exude if you combined these habits? Living a clean life, void of the dark arts has it’s perks. Try it out this month!
It really doesn’t matter if you are looking for more sex, better sex, or the best relationship of your life, this secret will work for you. Do you want to attract more beautiful women with less effort? Have you seen those men that seem to have that special something that draws women to them, and wished you had it to?
Before you know the secret, however, you’ll need to shift your mindset. This begins with understanding the lies hookup culture tries to sell us.
The Top 2 Hookup Culture Lies
Hookup culture. We see it everywhere today. All you have to do is turn on the TV to be bombarded with it. From Rom-coms to reality shows, the message is clear. This is dating today. It’s harmless. It’s fun. And, of course, everyone is doing it.
Is everyone doing it? Are we all forgoing relationships in favor of casual hookups? Whether or not we are doing it as individuals, there is a belief that most people are. What effect is this having on our dating experience? Is it affecting our attitudes on marriage? Do we really believe that casual hookups are as fulfilling as a committed relationship?
There are two big lies that hookup culture tries to tell us. Is there a time and place (figuratively speaking) for hooking up? Of course. But hookup culture goes far beyond this, giving us myths that we accept as a part of our reality. This is why it has such an impact on society as a whole. This isn’t just a millennial issue. It isn’t just a concern on college campuses. It’s a concern for all of us, because everyone is impacted in some way.
Lie 1: Everyone is Doing It
Our culture is completely obsessed with sex. It’s also one of the things that we tend to assume everyone else has. We look at a person’s Instagram and assume they live an exciting carefree life much better than our own. We look at other’s relationships and envision them as being free from the problems and hum drum existence that plagues our own. And, most of all, we assume that EVERYONE ELSE is getting laid.
Why are so quick to assume that for the most part, everyone around us is having sex, even if we aren’t? First, we are a very competitive society. We are constantly worried someone else has what we don’t, and this includes sex.
Second, the media constantly shows us people having sex. People dating, hooking up, cheating on their partners. In fact, the sheer amount of sexual content we are actually exposed to is staggering.
- 77% of Primetime TV shows contain sexual content
- 14% of these involved a mention of responsibility, protection, or consent
- 27% of scenes involving intercourse mention protection, responsibility, or consequences
- 82% of television programs aimed at teens contained sexual content
Sexual content doesn’t necessarily mean sex. It can include anything from sexual innuendo to intercourse. However, the prevalence of sexual content on TV can certainly give you the idea that everyone is doing it.
It also perpetuates the hookup culture ideal that casual sex, is fun, risk free, and free from consequences, at the very least 75% of the time.
Everyone Isn’t Doing It
The fact is that the millennial generation, which is so steeped in hookup culture, really isn’t having more sex.
Number of Partners for Young Adults Since Age 18
|Number of Partners||0||1||2-5||6-12||13-20||21+|
As you can see, there’s not much difference in the number of sexual partners. In fact, the amount of partners hasn’t changed much in the last three generations. The biggest change is actually a substantial increase in the amount of young adults who are remaining abstinent.
Why All the Hype
If the “hookup generation” isn’t having more sex, then what’s all the fuss about? The real change, and the one that has some experts concerned, is the extremely casual nature of today’s hookups.
Sociologist Elizabeth Armstrong says:
It looks like [young people] may be having less sex, less relationships, less commitment, but what they’re doing is more casual. We still don’t really have a handle on it all.”
I’m a bit of an in betweener. Being born in 1982 technically makes me a millennial, but in my values, beliefs, and thought processes, I identify much more strongly with generation X.
I remember coming of age in a time where hooking up was still frowned upon. When you were expected to at least go out on a date and have the pretense of liking someone before going to bed with them. Sure there were people who defied this, as they always are. However, completely casual encounters with no desire or expectation for any sort of emotional intimacy or knowledge of the person was the exception, not the norm.
Sex was still seen as having a bit of sacredness to it. Hookups were refered to as “one night stands”. Sure, they had many of the hallmarks of today’s hookups. A casual encounter with no expectation of commitment. However, there was still an intimacy there. A sharing with the person. Enjoying each other’s bodies may have been the focus, but there was generally an enjoyment of each other’s company as well. There was some level of companionship involved.
Today’s hookups seem no more intimate than playing with a vibrator. Is that really all we are? All we are meant to be? A tool for the other’s pleasure, with no thought for anything beyond a nice body and working genitalia?
This college student sums up the hookup culture attitude towards sex very well:
It’s more fun to get [sex] out of the way and see how you connect, and then focus on who they are as a human. ‘Are you interesting? Are you fun to be around? Great.’ Sex isn’t inherently a huge step. At the end of the day, it’s a piece of body touching another piece of body – just as existentially meaningless as kissing.
And this is the real concern of hookup culture. It isn’t the number of partners. It’s that sex is seen of something of so little value. I love sex. I’ve had sex with many different people throughout my life. I’ve also come to understand that sex is meant to be more than just a physical act. It is more than a physical act, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.
I’m not a prude. I’m not advocating that sex be confined to marriage, or even committed relationships. Nor do I feel the need for some arbitrary definition of commitment that includes only having sex with one person for the rest of your life.
What I am advocating for is for sex to be seen as the beautiful physical, emotional, and spiritual experience that it is, regardless of whether you are committed to the person or not.
Lie #2: It’s Harmless Fun
Hooking up is harmless right? I mean sure we’ve all heard the term “walk of shame”, but these days its said with a tongue in cheek amusement, almost as if “walk of pride” would be more fitting. Slut shaming is out. Casual is in. Protection is, if not cool, fairly widely accepted as the smart thing to do. What could go wrong?
The Brain Isn’t Designed For Hookups
I hate to admit it, but i smoke cigarettes. Every day i look at that little Surgeon General’s Warning on the pack, and light one up with my morning coffee. Is it risky? Sure. Do I enjoy it? Damn right I do. What risks you are and aren’t willing to take is a purely individual decision. You have to balance the risk with your desire for pleasure, and come to your own conclusions.
That being said, consider this your Surgeon Generals Warning about the potential risks and dangers of casual hookups.
When we have sex, we get a big hit of the feel good chemical dopamine. Dopamine is the brain’s reward chemical. It’s role is to encourage us to do things that are good for us. Eating healthy, exercising, and acing an important test will all cause your brain to release dopamine.
Dopamine also plays a large role in addiction. It doesn’t matter if the addiction is physical or behavioral, they all have one thing in common. They cause a release of dopamine for the addict.
Sex also releases large amounts of dopamine in the brain, as well as other feel good chemicals including nor-epinephrine. These chemicals are responsible for part of the “happiness” that we get from sex. However, it can also leave us feeling sad and longing for it when we become accustomed to sex and are no longer getting it.
In addition to dopamine, female brains release large amounts of oxytocin during sex. Men release vasopressin as well as smaller amounts of oxytocin. It’s still a commonly held belief that oxytocin makes it difficult for women to engage in casual sex, while men have no such impediment.
Oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone. It causes feelings of attachment and helps facilitate attachment. However, vasopressin has a similar function. It causes men to become protective and even jealous.
So while the hormones released during sex cause women to form attachment and a desire to nurture the other person, they make men want to protect and take care of their partner.
These chemicals aren’t just released during sex or orgasm, either. Affectionate touches such as hugs and kisses. watching porn, sexting, and even fantasizing about having sex all cause these chemicals to be released to varying degrees.
Does this mean that casual sex is impossible? No. It does mean that even the most casual encounters may not be as casual as we believe they are.
The Impact of Casual Sex Comes Down to Motivation
The truth is that casual sex can be good or bad for your emotional well-being, depending on your motivation. There are autonomous and nonautomous motives for having casual sex. This is thought to be one reason why so many studies on the effects of casual sex have had mixed results, because the motivation behind the act is rarely considered.
Autonomous or good motives for having sex include:
- Wanting new experiences
- Exploring your sexuality
- Desiring the fun and pleasure
Non-Autonomous or wrong reasons for having sex:
- Feeling obligated or coerced
- Trying to escape your feelings
- To please someone else
- To boost your self esteem
- In hopes that it will lead to a relationship
Of course there are more reasons on both sides of the equation, but these are a good starting point. It comes down to motivation. Motivation and intention are extremely important when it comes to your dating and sex life. More on that soon.
The Top Three Character Flaws
There are three main character flaws that will impede your ability to use the hookup secret effectively and have a successful dating life. They are:
These three flaws will always stand in your way of achieving the level of success that you are able to attain. It’s about more than sex, or even a fulfilling relationship. These issues will stand in your way of living your best life in all areas.
Entitlement may be the biggest obstacle to success in any area. After all, if you feel that someone owes you something, why should you work hard to earn it? People generally take the path of least resistance. This means that if they feel entitled to something, they are likely to demand it be given to them instead of working for it.
We’ve all been guilty of it at some point. From the child throwing a fit in the store because they think they are owed the toy they want, to the girl on the Bachelor that’s shocked she didn’t get the rose because she can’t imagine a world where what she wants isn’t handed to her for being beautiful.
Entitlement is everywhere. And it’s turning us into whining failures who can’t even fathom our own potential.
There’s a fascinating line in the sci-fi movie The Chronicles of Riddick.
“You keep what you kill”.
Now on the surface this seems like some lame line aimed at encouraging gratuitous movie violence. When you look deeper though, you see a model for society that we seem to have forgotten.
In this culture, they earn what they get through killing. So, it’s essentially saying you keep what you earn. This culture doesn’t hold your hand. There are no hand outs. You are entitled to what you earn, by whatever means necessary to do so.
I’m not proposing that we degenerate to a kill or be killed society here where violence is seen as the way to get ahead. What i am proposing is that we take back personal responsibility. It isn’t anyone else’s job to take care of you once you’ve reached legal age.
This idea that simply being born entitles us to a life of ease, leisure, or sympathy is utterly ridiculous. Whatever it is you want, whether it’s money, power, love, sex, happiness, it’s up to you to go get it. No one owes you anything but the opportunity to pursue these things for yourself without discrimination.
Laziness is closely tied to entitlement. In many cases, a sense of entitlement is what leads to laziness. In other cases, it’s because the person simply does not care enough about the outcome of the situation to put in the effort. It’s that simple.
Blogger Ossiana Tepfenhart had this to say about the current dating scene:
OK, I’ve had it. Call me crazy, but I’m completely, totally, and insanely pissed off with the current dating scene. You know why? Because it’s lazy. It’s lazy as hell, and nobody is putting any effort into actually impressing anyone anymore.
There’s another quote that sums things up very well.
“Men aren’t dumb. They are just lazy”.
Sure some people just aren’t that intelligent, but if you are reading this, you likely don’t fall into that category. However, many of us are lazy. It’s completely fixable, and the best news?
Putting forth an effort and not being lazy will automatically set you 80-90% of the dating pool guys. If someone was selling a pill that would automatically put you at the top of the dating pool, they would be an overnight millionaire. Think of this as that pill, freely given.
All you need to do is get off your butt and take it.
Simple Ways to Not Be Lazy
Go out on actual dates. It doesn’t have to be dinner at an expensive restaurant. It can be a picnic at the park. Ice cream and a walk through downtown. The secret is to put forth a little effort by planning something besides “Netflix and chill”.
Communicate. This doesn’t mean you have to constantly text back and forth. In fact, that’s a bad idea. However, have conversations. Text her enough that she knows she’s on your mind. Have actual deep conversations from time to time. Go beyond “Hey. How’s your day”.
Most importantly, pick up the phone and call her once in a while. No one does actual phone calls anymore. Call her on the phone to ask her out on a date, and you are way ahead of the game.
This should go without saying, but take care of yourself and your things. When you see a girl you are interested in, be well-groomed. Wash your car and throw away the McDonald’s wrappers. If you invite her to your home, it shouldn’t look like a college dorm room.
Men and women are both guilty of this one. In fact, when it comes to online dating profiles, 10% more women lie than men. It’s completely pointless. People know when you aren’t being genuine. Even if they can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that you are lying about, they will sense that something is off.
Over 50% of online daters lie in their online dating profiles. The worst part? Most of the lies we are telling will be found out sooner rather than later. Seriously, if you post a picture from 10 years and 100 lbs ago, what do you think will happen when you meet in person?
Are we really naive enough to think that “if they just get to know me” any lies we tell to convince them to go out with us in the first place will be forgiven? Are we so entitled that we believe our actions don’t have negative consequences? Do we expect it to be like a Rom-Com, where someone does something really stupid but is forgiven completely on the basis of “true love”?
Top 5 Lies By Gender
What do we lie about to attract a potential mate? Here are the top five lies online daters tell in their profile, broken down by gender.
We don’t just lie to get a date, either. Nearly 50% of us lie on the first date. The most common first date lies are:
- Sexual history (19.2%)
- Dating history (17.6%)
- Finances (11.8%)
- Where you live (9.9%)
- Age (8.3%)
Does all of this lying accomplish anything? According to Dr. Helen Fisher, Match’s Chief Scientific Advisor, the answer is a resounding no.
Those who tell white lies are no more likely to get a second date; no more likely to have gone on a date in the last year; and no more likely to have had sex.
If lying doesn’t make you any more likely to get another date or even get laid, what is the point? In fact, 2/3 of people who don’t lie on dates think that lying is completely unacceptable, so you are likely hurting your chances more than helping.
Trust is super important in establishing any sort of relationship, even if it’s just a sexual one. So stop lying and be honest. Your lies are bound to be found out eventually, and they don’t even increase your chances of getting what you want.
Improve Your Sex Life By Loving Yourself
Here’s the big secret that very few men are clued into, let alone actually doing. The real key to being attractive is loving yourself. When i say self-love, I mean a genuine desire and regard for your own happiness. Respect for yourself. Knowing who you are and being proud to be you.
There are some things in life that become more difficult to achieve when you put too much focus on them. Have you ever found it hard to orgasm because you were so focused on it? Found it impossible to sleep because you were trying so hard to go to sleep?
Sex and relationships are similar. Have you ever heard it said that “You’ll find the one when you stop looking”? This doesn’t mean you should stop dating or talking to women. What it means is that you should relax about it.
There is nothing more attractive than genuine confidence and being happy with who you are. Lots of the advice available today tells you how to appear to be these things. However, it’s not going to be effective if it isn’t genuine.
When you focus on loving yourself instead of searching for that love from others, you will find both.
Self love taken to the extreme becomes narcissism. Narcissists don’t care for anyone’s needs but their own. They will do whatever they believe it takes to meet those needs, with little to no thought to how it affects others. Healthy self-love is about becoming a better person, not a more selfish one.
According to Psychology Today:
Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love is dynamic; it grows by actions that mature us.
At a basic level, self-love increases when we do things that are good for us physically, mentally, and spiritually. However, there’s a crucial component to this that’s very often overlooked.
Intention and Motivation.
Have you ever heard the phrase “doing the right thing for the wrong reasons”? If you choose to lose weight because you think it will make you more attractive to the opposite sex, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. If you read books so that you can fit in with the intelligent crowd, you are doing it for the wrong reason. If you go to a place of worship to appear more spiritual to those around you, you are doing it for the wrong reason.
Doing things for the wrong reasons will only accomplish one thing in the long run. It will waste your time and energy. Self love is about more than the things you do. It’s about your intention behind them.
Self love with the correct intention is a potent force for improving your entire life.
Your love life doesn’t live in a vacuum. It impacts and is impacted by all other areas of your life, so when a few of these areas start to improve, the rest naturally will also.
Foster self-love by doing things that:
- Bring you happiness
- improve your health
- improve your self-image
- You are proud of
- Allow you to better know yourself
5 Steps to Loving Yourself More
Self love isn’t some abstract concept that is impossible to achieve. There are simple steps that will help you increase the love you feel for yourself.
- Know who you are
- Put your needs ahead of wants
- Take care of yourself
- Set healthy boundaries
- Live with Mindfulness and Intention
1. Knowing Yourself
It seems simple on the surface, right? You’ve spent every moment of your life with yourself, how could you not know who you are? Most of us don’t take the time to stop and consider who we really are. We have some basic ideas, but we never really step back and work to understand ourselves.
Knowing yourself means that you know who you really are, and what you want and need from yourself and others. It’s fundamental to living your best life as well as having successful relationship interactions.
VITALS is an acronym for the six areas of yourself that you should know.
Values: Your values can be seen as your moral compass. It’s how you make decisions and prioritize what’s important in your life. It’s also key to being self motivated, because your values are what drive you. In fact, thinking about or writing down your values actually makes it more likely that you will make healthy decisions.
Interests: Interests are the things yo enjoy. Activities, hobbies, passions. These things make you a more interesting person and add vitality and spark to your life.
Temperament: Are you easy-going or uptight? Introvert or extrovert? Do you prefer loud parties or quiet evenings at home? Are you a spender or a saver? All these things and much more make up your temperament.
Around the Clock: When do you like to do things? Are you a morning person or a night owl? When are you the most productive? Setting my own schedule has taught me that I’m most productive in the late morning hours.
I have time to wake up and relax before really starting my day. By evening, if it hasn’t gotten done, it likely won’t. Knowing your innate schedule helps you understand when the best time to do things is.
Life Goals: What really matters to you? How do you define success? What have the most meaningful events in your life been? A person without a purpose in goals in mind will never know where they are going, and not knowing where they are going, surely will not get there.
Strengths: What are your strengths, talents, and best characteristics? You may find it helpful to pretend you aren’t talking about yourself. Pretend you are thinking about a good friend and trying to describe the best aspects of who they are. This can help you get past modesty and shyness.
2. Putting Needs Ahead of Wants
There’s nothing wrong with wanting things, even things you don’t necessarily need. The problem comes when we prioritize our wants over our needs. Our our short-term wants over our long-term desires.
Losing weight for example. We’ve all been there. Summer’s coming up and you aren’t beach body ready. In fact, your still carrying around extra pounds from Christmas. So you start a diet. Soon you find yourself craving something that’s not good for you. Ice cream, pizza, chocolate cake.
Your short term want is of course to eat the junk food. And yes, it will satisfy your momentary desire. And when it’s over you’ll feel guilty and maybe even a bit ashamed. Because by giving in to your momentary want, you set back your long-term want.
Let’s say you want a new car. There’s nothing wrong with the one you have. You fully accept that this is something you want, rather than something you need. Since it’s not an urgent need, you are able to save money and buy the car that you really want.
The person that doesn’t distinguish the two, however, may go out and get that same car without considering how they will pay for it. They take out a significant loan for the car, and yes they are riding in style. However, when they can’t put food on the table or pay their house payment, suddenly the car isn’t so much fun.
When you prioritize your needs and wants and know the difference between the two, You are loving yourself.
3. Taking Care of Yourself
When you take care of yourself, you are also improving yourself. You’ll have more energy, vitality, and confidence. These are all extremely attractive traits that will draw the type of person you seek to you. There are three areas of yourself, and you should be taking care of all three. Think balance.
Many people focus on taking care of themselves physically, and neglect themselves emotionally and spiritually. Some things, like yoga, can easily fit into all three categories. I won’t tell you how to take care of yourself physically, because I’m sure you already know how.
However, your emotional and spiritual states are just as important. In fact, all three are interconnected. Depression is a great example of this. It’s seen as something that primarily affects your emotional health. However, 2/3 of people with depression report increased aches and pains, along with other physical symptoms.
Taking Care of Your Emotional Health
I get it guys. I prefer to pretend that i don’t have emotions. Emotional needs? Nah. I’m always ok. I’ve had to learn to accept that being human means that you experience emotions. That emotional needs are as real as physical ones.
these needs and how you meet them will vary, and that’s ok. Sometimes, I need to be alone. Don’t call me. Don’t talk to me. Just leave me be. Not because there’s something wrong. Simply because i need some time alone with myself.
There are also times when i crave human connection. A smile. A hug. A good conversation with an old friend. Times when i simply need to cry and experience what I’m feeling. Times when I laugh until my sides hurt. I need all of these things. They are as vital to my existence as food and water.
Figure out what your emotional needs are. Take some time to think about it. Understanding your needs and how to meet them can also prevent you from doing something you might regret.
My need for time alone, for example. If i don’t understand this need and how to meet it in a healthy manner, I will end up pushing away the people who care about me.
It’s also important because if you don’t know how to do something for yourself, how do you expect someone else to do it? How do you expect someone else to help meet your emotional needs if you don’t know what they are?
It’s like going to Starbucks and saying “I don’t know what I want, but I’m sure that what you give me will satisfy me”. Don’t complain when they hand you a caramel machiato instead of an espresso shot. It’s your job to know what you need, and to be able to articulate it.
Taking Care of Yourself Spiritually
Let me make it clear, spirituality and religion are not the same thing. Religion is one way to meet your spiritual needs, but by no means is it the only way. Spirituality means “to be concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to the material.”
Let’s say you don’t even believe in the soul concept. You can view it as the part of you that makes you who you are on the deepest level. Move beyond the physical. What inspires you? What gives you peace? What fulfills you in the deepest sense of the word? What gives your life deeper meaning and purpose?
The answers to these questions will be different for everyone, but what matters is that you know what’s true for you. Make time for spirituality. It can be as simple or as elaborate as you want it to be. Anything from religious ceremonies to quieting your mind and meditating while your driving to work can be a part of taking care of yourself spiritually.
4. Setting Healthy Boundaries
Personal boundaries are important. In fact, if you don’t have boundaries, you don’t have love and respect for yourself. It’s that simple. Boundaries are your limits. They are the things that you require from others and the things you won’t tolerate.
People treat you the way that you allow them to. If you don’t have clear boundaries, you will likely be disrespected and taken advantage of.
The first step to setting boundaries is knowing what they are. What are your deal breakers? This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, although some deal breakers will be specific to romantic relationships. Others will apply to everyone you interact with.
Once you’ve figured out what your boundaries are, it’s time to communicate them. Communicate your boundaries clearly and confidently. When someone tries to push your boundaries, don’t get upset. Simply state that you don’t tolerate that behavior and state the consequences.
Then follow through. Do not set consequences that you aren’t prepared to follow through on, because this will only lead to them violating your boundaries more.
5. Living With Mindfulness and Intention
Do you go through the day, and even your life, on autopilot? Do you set clear intentions for each day? Are you present in the moment, or are you always thinking about something else?
Most of us are actually passengers to our lives. Mindfulness and intention allow you to take the wheel and steer the course for your own life instead of mindlessly traveling down the road in whatever direction you happen to be traveling.
Intention and mindfulness are extremely important when it comes to dating. People will pick up on your intentions. If they don’t match your words, they will see you as not being genuine.r
Most of us tend to “fall into” love and relationships. We don’t set clear intentions for what we are doing. Instead we wing it. The problem with this is, many times, what we fall into is a large pile of crap.
Your intentions for your dating life are yours and yours alone. There are no right or wrong intentions, assuming that you don’t desire to hurt someone else. Your intention may be to get married. To have children. To have fun no strings attached sex. For a dating companion who is in no rush for commitment.
The important thing is that by setting the intention, you are taking the first step to attracting what you are actually looking for. By setting your intention and being clear about it, you greatly reduce the risk of involving yourself with someone whose intentions don’t align with yours.
Many times your intentions will change at some point. The key is to change them based on what you desire, not the other person. Changing your intention because you’ve met a great girl won’t work well if you aren’t truly ready to commit.
Setting intentions also allows you to save a lot of energy. When you have a clear goal in mind, you are more efficient. You aren’t easily distracted by things that don’t fit what you are trying to accomplish.
The first step to a better dating and sex life is letting go of the lies the hookup culture tries to tell us.
- Everyone is doing it
- It’s harmless fun
Next, you’ll need to beware the top three character flaws that are preventing you from the love life you desire.
Now your ready to use the little known secret to better, more fulfilling, and easier sex or love. Loving yourself first. BY shifting your focus, you start to improve yourself. You become more attractive. You draw the people you want to you easily instead of having to chase them.
The five steps to more self-love are:
- Know who you are
- Put your needs ahead of wants
- Take care of yourself
- Set healthy boundaries
- Live with Mindfulness and Intention
It may be counter-intuitive, but if you really want to change your sex life, loving yourself is the best way to do so.